Periodic Table of the Hellements

The Dr. Zebra Store Periodic Table of the Hellements

Hellements include viruses, bacteria, parasites, fungi, insects, plants, reptiles, mammals, aging, and -- sadly -- humans.

	We can't show you the poster in all of its 11" by 17" glory, because the image is simply too large to download. But we can show one hellement, with its symbol, number, illustration, and name.

The chart organizes Hellements according to biological complexity and by hellishness:

• Hellements are arranged from left to right by increasing biological complexity. So, viruses are in the leftmost column, and humans in the rightmost. See the layout below.
• Hellements are arranged from top to bottom by increasing hellishness. So, the virus for the common cold is at the top, and rabies virus is at the bottom.
• Bio-weapons are in blue.

The Periodic Table of the Hellements is an especially fun gift, because you can tailor it to the recipient's politics!

Humans are a rich source of Hell to other humans. To reflect this, we offer four versions of the Hellements chart, differing only in the right-most column -- the "human" column.

Choose the version most closely matching your vision of Hell -- or get them all!

Human Hellements for Conservatives Jimmy Carter Michael Moore Nancy Pelosi Ruth Bader Ginsburg Edward Kennedy Hillary	Human Hellements for Liberals Bill Frist Newt Gingrich Karl Rove Antonin Scalia W Dick	Human Hellements for Misanthropes Spouse (yelling woman shown) Landlord Televangelist Venture capitalist Crack addict The humorless (bin Laden photo)	Medical Hellements for Everyone Presbyopia Nocturia Alveolar loss Presbycusis Cardiac and arterial thickening Brain shrinkage
Example human hellement:
$8.99	$8.99	$7.99	$7.99

All posters include the following Hellements.

Caution: If you have recently lost someone to one of the hellements, it may be best to wait before ordering.

Virus	Bio-Weapon I	Bio-Weapon II	Bacterium	Parasite
Rhinovirus Norovirus West Nile virus Rubella virus Measles virus Herpes simplex virus SARS virus Papillomavirus HIV Hepatitis B virus Yellow fever virus Rabies virus Avian influenza H5N1 virus	Botulinum toxin Ricin Ebola virus Smallpox virus Marburg virus Lassa virus Rift Valley virus Junin virus Venezuelan equine encephalitis virus Eastern equine encephalitis virus Western equine encephalitis virus Machupo virus Monkey pox virus St. Louis encephalitis virus Japanese encephalitis virus Murray Valley encephalitis virus Russian spring summer encephalitis	Anthrax bacterium Plague bacterium Tularemia bacterium Glanders bacterium Brucellosis bacterium Meliodosis bacterium Shigella bacterium Cholera bacterium Q fever agent Typhus agent Psittacosis agent Engineered anthrax Engineered plague Engineered tularemia Engineered glanders	Gonorrhea bacterium Lyme disease bacterium Pneumococcus Diphtheria bacterium Syphilis bacterium E. coli O157:H7 Meningococcus Flesh-eating Strep. pyogenes bacterium Legionnaire's bacterium Typhoid bacterium Methicillin resistant Staph. aureus Tuberculosis bacterium	Giardia parasite Tapeworm Schistosomiasis parasite Falciparum malaria
Fungus	Arthropod	Plant	Aquatic, Reptile	Mammal
Candida fungus Cryptococcus fungus Histoplasma fungus Mucormycosis fungus	Bedbug Flea Louse Scabies Housefly Wasp Tsetse fly Mosquito Centipede Tick Reduviid bug Killer bee Brown recluse spider Tarantula Black widow Scorpion	Poison ivy Deadly nightshade Hemlock Death cap Monkshood	Jellyfish Stingray Barracuda Piranha Great white shark Dart frog Gila monster Rattlesnake Cobra Crocodile	Rat Wild boar Porcupine Wolf Skunk Hyena Wolverine Lion Hippopotamus Grizzly bear